Accident jokes

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman? No, seriously, why can't she drive? Because she's dead.

Your family in a nutshell.

When did “yo” mean Hello?

They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."

As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"

What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.

What is black and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking's after a fire.

We saved a Swiss flag from a house fire. I thought that's a plus.

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

I know a little girl who once had an accident. When I asked her what her favorite song was, she responded with "🎶Head, shoulders, wheels, and frame! Wheels and frame!🎶"

An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?

Boss: You're fired!

Me: Ok?

Worker: Why are you fired?

Me: Oh, you wanna know...

*shows him the oven with my pizza*

Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!

Worker: OH SHIT!!

Boss: Did you say pizza?

Me: I sure did!

*shows boss pizza in oven*

Me: This hoe black as fuck!

Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

When a kindergarten teacher asks a kid to sing the alphabet, he said "ab3defg." The teacher said, "Do you like 3D?" He said, "Yeah." The teacher yelled, "Okay, do you have a 3DS?" He said yes. The teacher goes into his bag and says, "Say ABCs or your 3DS will be destroyed." He says, "ab3defghijlmnopqrs." "Oh, he learned well." The teacher threw the 3DS out the window. The kid gets it, and it still works. Then he googles ABCs. It goes to YouTube and says, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz." The teacher is proud of the 3DS. The class went home telling parents.

Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.

I still remember my granddad's last words,

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Your dad went to the shop to get milk, came back, went again, but never came back due to a car crash due to an itchy rash.

(Knock knock) Who's there? Accident. Accident who? Accident you.

There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"