Why did Mr. Peanut die?
His cane snapped!
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
What’s the best way to get a baby out of a blender? Tortilla Chips.
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Why did ItsFunneh go on the road? She so Draco looking at a car then the car runs over him, sad Draco.
Why did lil Timmy drop his lollies?
He was hit by a train.
We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
My father can take a joke because he made one.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?
Nobody:
Titanic: sYnCccCc
Iceberg: yAaaYeEee
People: yAaanOooO
Ocean: fUuudD
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
