Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.
When you realize the shuttle blew up.
Then you realize you're on the shuttle.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
What does the Titanic sell most?
Icebreakers.
When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?
I think that you're an accident!
Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
When a guy falls, it hurts them there. When a woman falls, it hurts more.
What is red and very rare?
A child in a blender.
So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
