While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5min later I found fell it in gutter
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb, and a pregnant woman
They're both accidents
How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle? Son: Why? Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.
Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)
Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"
Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."
Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"
Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."
Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"
Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."
Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"
Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"
Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."
Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"
A FED EX plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa but the cargo door wasn't shut properly but only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?
Time's up! You took too long you only had 4 seconds to answer it.
How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?
Open the fridge, put the elephant in and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.
Why did sally fall off the swing?
Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.
How did she survive?
Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off. But she was rescued 8 minutes later.
Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.
Ally before the other girl gos on stage: break a leg!
Rachel: alright!
On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg
Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!
Jerry:my dad got into a fight on a plane Jeremy:that's just *plane* crazy!
A old lady told me to check her balance so I pushed her off the edge without knowing it was her cash she wanted to check so I died to help her
Pooooooooooop
My dad always used to beat me but he never beat cancer
My fish pun aren't on porpoise.
My son said he burnt food on accident so I told him he was an accident
A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?
The Helicopter Blade
*The doctor asking why Ive broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
well what am i gonna do now...
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps.on a cockroach. They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
Johnathon
