Worst Jokes Ever
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: I don't know anymore.
I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?
Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is a carrier bag.
"Fucking cracker and you smell like fish!"
What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
It's hard to predict the future,
especially before it happens.
What's worse than 1 tree with 10,000 dead babies on it?
1 baby on 10,000 trees.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.
Why did the orange stop?
Because it ran out of juice. Hahhaha.
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"