Worst Jokes Ever

I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

America once was known as an Obama nation. Now we're known as an abomination.

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

What country did Indians invent?

Curry-a.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

😥This is offensive, sorry: What did the king say to his royal steed? "You gonna start the dishwasher or what?"

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.

Why can't orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: _______

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

My sexlife xddddddddd

Closer kin, deeper in!

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.

I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Roses are red, violets are blue, she is hot, but you're as ugly as poo.

What game hurts you the more stages you survive?

Cancer.

What do you call a group of emos?

Suicide Squad.