Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
Worst Jokes Ever
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
Sex dolls are alive in the Toy Story universe.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross-country!!!
When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!
