Worst Jokes Ever
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?
Pride always cometh before the fall.
What's the worst thing to hear in a prison shower?
"Drop the soap, we've got you surrounded."
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
Ever since convicted New York State felon Donald John Trump has taken office, the Canada-US border has been a mess of tariffs, counter-tariffs and boycotts.
And where does it end? I just got served a salad with 500 Islands in the dressing instead of a thousand. The price was the same.
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
I'm the autism.
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
What do Jews and Black people have in common?
Living off welfare checks.
When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
Why was the gay boy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught embezzling.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
What is the best way to deal with bullies?
You shoot them.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What's a cancer patient's favorite food?
Kentucky Fried Chemotherapy
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.
So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."
Why'd the orange lose the race?
Because it ran out of juice.