Worst Jokes Ever
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
American-accented, British pronunciation, what am I?
Either Canadian or European.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
Autists either believe everything you tell them or are nonstop skeptics. There is no in-between.
There are three Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?
The cop!
Why do they call it oven, when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis.
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
What does a gay guy and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go...woo woo woo.
What did Scorpion say to the ugly person?
"STAY OVER THERE!"
How do you piss off a feminist? You rape her.
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?
I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.
If Pete and Chasten Buttigieg had a baby, it would be a turd covered in semen.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffrey Epstein?
At least Hitler killed himself.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
Because they practice at the best schools.
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.