Yours jokes

What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?

The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”

And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”

🌍: You're so hot!

🌎: How are you single?

☀️: I burn anyone who gets too close!

If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.

DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!

What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?

When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.

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    • A blonde crashes an airplane.

    Officer: Could you please explain to me what happened?

    Woman: It got so cold in the plane, I turned the fan off.

    Officer: *face palms self*

    Also officer: Here's your sign.

    Teacher: “Alright, we’re going to play Kahoot! Please use your real name.”

    That one kid putting Joe: -_-

    Teacher: Who’s Joe?

    The whole class: JOE MAMA!

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    • 911 what's your emergency?

    Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

    Operator: What happened!?

    Me: She bit the tip.

    If you put your foot in a pond, your foot will get wet.

    No joke, I just wasted about 5 or 6 seconds of your life.

    What's the difference between acne and a priest?

    Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.

    Two windmills were standing in a wind farm. One asked, "What's your favorite type of music?" The other one replied... "I'm a big metal fan."

    What’s red and bad for your dental health? A brick.

    What’s invisible and bad for you to breathe? Mustard gas.

    What’s green and bad for you to drink? Radioactive waste.

    What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

    When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

    Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

    "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

    "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

    "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

    "Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."