You're jokes

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.

"New around here?" said the bartender.

"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.

Bartender "You can talk?"

Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."

Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"

Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"

The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.

The robot seems to be just like a normal human.

"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.

"The top minds in the world," said the robot.

The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."

Bartender, "What?"

"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

You look like your mom and your dad had a child.

When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,

So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"

I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

Inela, your hairline goes so far back I remember seeing it in the stone age! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yo mama so fat the scale said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

Even Michael Jordan can't dunk from your hairline! 🤣🤣

Your hairline goes so far back, I remember seeing it in the Stone Age.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."

They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"

What’s the difference between your dad and your hairline?

Nothing, they both ran off.

Your mama so ugly that even Rick Astley had to give her up.

What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Spread your legs and give me an hour.