You're jokes
You will remember reading this for the rest of your life.
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
What words black people can't say? "Thanks for your help, officer."
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
Ali from Kazakhstan, he got small forehead, all his friends laugh. They say, "Ali, your forehead so tiny, you need magnifying glass to see!" But Ali, he not care, he proud of his unique look. When he wear hat, it look like top of mountain, so funny, everyone laugh with him. Ali know small forehead no problem, it make him special, like rare gem!
A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.
It's not incest if you're adopted.
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.