You Jokes

Car

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

God

Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.

God: *SILENCE*

Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!

God: *SILENCE*

Memes

Girl

What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb?

... You can unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a pregnant girl.

Knock knock

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Little old lady, you don't need to yodel about it. Yodel who? Yodel who?

Wordplay

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

Birth

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

Lunch

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

Orphan

Timmy: Stupid motherfucker.

Jimmy: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Timmy: *starts crying*

Jimmy: Ah fuck, I did it again.