You jokes
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
"we are not the same"🖕🗿🖕
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?
Guarded.
What do you call a shadow?
Tyrone, don’t be a coon!
"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he replies.
What do you call an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:
"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"
Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"
Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."
Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."