You jokes

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?

Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.

How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?

The Inbredibles.

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special forces.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?

A panhandler.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?

A cutting board.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."