You jokes
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
What do you call an emo a cappella group?
Self harmony.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
When you name yourself Twin Towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
"Twin Towers" is on fireπ₯
"Terrorist" is on a streak of 2.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
Memes
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope...
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
What do you call an orange on a small stick?
Donald Trump.
Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."