You jokes
What do you call an emo a cappella group?
Self harmony.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope...
Memes
What do you call an orange on a small stick?
Donald Trump.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
When you name yourself Twin Towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
"Twin Towers" is on fireπ₯
"Terrorist" is on a streak of 2.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."