You jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?

What do you call a group of transgender women?

X-Men.

What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?

"I'm sorry, I just had to."

If you feel sad, or you feel that you are not loved... You're with mushroom pizza.

Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?

Stop imagining!

What do you call a person with no nose and no body?

Nobody knows.

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

What do you call a selfie of an orphan? A family photo.

What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?

Shredded tweet!

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Boy: Will you remember me in a minute?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Will you remember me in a day?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Will you remember me in a year?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Knock knock.

Mom: Who's there?

Boy: Bitch, you forgot me.

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?

To the mew-seum!

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"