You jokes

When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.

Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂

If you know it, you know it.

Beautiful people should read this quote: "God gave you beauty but not brains."

Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"

The child said, "A mistake."

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

What do you call a disabled Chinese person?

Sum Ting Wong.

Son: Dad, what's dark humor?

Dad: Do you see the guy over there with no arms?

Son: No, I'm blind.

I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What’s the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?

Pikachu, I choose you!

Are you a building because I rate you a 9/11?

Why were the Twin Towers mad when they ordered pizza?

One arrived plain, one came in late, one went to the wrong address, and the other one never came.

Hey dude, can you spell IHOP?

Sure, man. I. H. O. P.

Wait, you ate my pee!!!

Don't treat her like a gold pump when she's treating you like a gray pistol. Put down a launch pad and rotate.

What do you call a deer that has no eye? No-eye deer!

What do you get if you cross an avocado and a Glock?

Glockamole.

Some people are such treasures that you sometimes just wanna bury them.