You jokes

My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso, expresso, no more depresso!

Donald Trump is proud of being white, which is strange, considering he's orange. Makes you wonder why he didn't pull a Michael Jackson and bleach his own skin....

Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.

Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.

What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?

When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"You have a great singer inside you."

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.