You jokes

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?

A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Bully: "I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the shower you can't even see it."

Guy: "No, I see your sister's head."

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.

What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?

When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

What do you call an Asian who can't hear?

Wha U Sai

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"You have a great singer inside you."

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

like if you know someone that is emo.

what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.