I went up to the blind kid and punched him and said bet you didn't see that coming
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?
When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
like if you know someone that is emo.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana. Jack got high and slapped her thigh and said "you know you wanna". Jill said yes, pulled down her dress, and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
