You jokes

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".

So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".

So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"

I know, it's an awful joke.

What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.

Friend: What fly's and cry's?

You: A cloud.

Friend: What goes up but not down?

You: Your age.

What do screen doors and blondes have in common?

The more you bang them, the looser they get.

What do you call a baby with red on it?

A baby in a microwave.

Do you have dark humor?

Actually, never mind. I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying... but I decided to abort.

What do you call two redheads on Mars?

Locals.

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!

What does a pillow say when you live for a week? "Don't forget me!"

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

What do you call a shitty movie? One that fucking sucks and shits.

Are you a waterfall?

'Cause I'm falling for you.

If you play Minecraft too much, you belong to the streets.

Girl: You are gay.

Boy: Who says I’m gay?

Girl: You ARE GAY!

Boy: You are lesbian.

Crowd: OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhbhhhbhH

You were born on a road. That's where most accidents happen.

Pickup line: Are you the internet? 'Cause I feel a connection.