When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"
He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"
I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.
When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."
A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."
Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.
What Do You Call Dead? (Not Michael Jackson)
I bet you like men!
In America, you work on plantation In Soviet Russia, plantation work on you!
What do you call an emo committing suicide while filming it?
America's Funniest Home Videos.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!
Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.
Did you know that..
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.
You're so skinny, you could travel through a fax!
"Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.
TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.
What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?
Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?
What do you call a girl above age 16 who says she is a virgin? A liar.
Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.
Hello, This is Jimmy from Jimmy's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic! Your next loss is our next sauce! How many pizzas do you need?
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
