You Jokes

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

Your dad left you because he went for milk.

*1,000,000 years later*

Her: Dad come back!

Him: FBI open up!

How you know it’s her time in MJ's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Are you a highway? Because I wanna lay on you.

Are you a train because I want to get railed by you? ;)

Your forehead is so big, you look like Megamind but with no superpower, just a big forehead!

What do you call a tall person?

A tall person.

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?

I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

What does the door say to the doorbell?

The door said: "You dingus!"

Dude, Mississippi got a better K/D ratio than you.

What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?

The witnesses.

What do you call a person with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you told them twice.

If you play the movie "Jaws" in reverse, it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?

You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

What do you call a lanky yellow man with abnormally large ears? Zac! Hahahahahahahahahahah

What do you call a crippled man? Alex keating hahahahahahahahahahahh!

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call it; it won’t come to you.

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.