You jokes
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."
Me: "I like it well done."
Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"
The dark side of kid songs:
You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
Why does Sans say "I got a bone to pick with you?"
Because he needs to pick your balls.
That shit was trash. You can't handle me.
Hold up. Aren't you Nathaniel B.?
What do you call a door? A floor.
Have you ever seen a blind man swim?
No.
Neither has he.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
Are you free tomorrow?
No, I’m expensive, sorry. 💵💸
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?
A gingerbread man.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"