You jokes

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

I have a saying. Whenever you find a sink, there's probably a dead baby inside it...

Where are you right now?

Looking at a fake joke? You are a waste of time and space.

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What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?

A: Mat.

Did you hear about the dead artist?

Too many strokes.

When you are losing at Tetris, I guess the odds are STACKED against you.

If you are on here, don’t hate. There will be rude ones, but it doesn’t matter.

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.

What do you call a magician with no magic? A dyslexic c**t.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

I asked my dad, "Why did you paint rabbits on your bald head?"

He replied, "Because I thought it would look like hares."

Have you eaten at the restaurant on the Moon? It's got good food, but no atmosphere.