Imperial Pilot: What do you think about the new Tie fighter?
Palpatine: Flew it.
You Jokes
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
When you send your girl a dick pic, but she says it's small, so you text back and say:
"Enjoy the little things."
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."
Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.
Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.
Years later:
Dad still did not come back.
What do you call a retarded cow?
Vegan (vegetable).
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
Q: What do you call a tsunami?
A: Your mom's water breaking.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?
You don't want your computer to go down on you.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"
He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"