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Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "What do you think about that mad cow disease?"

The other replies, "Well I don't have to worry about it. You're talking to a telephone pole."

Have you heard about the new movie with Stephen Hawking as the star? It's called "Unplugged."

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student: The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher: She drowned?!

Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."

What did the fish say to the other fish? "You have a big butt!"

The other fish said, "We don't have butts......"

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes!

Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?

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    • I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

    I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

    He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

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    • I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

    But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

    A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

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