You Jokes

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite.

Sisters before misters.

I hope you get better.

I love you.

Did you hear about the new doggy condos?

Apparently they are now releasing!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

The bartender says, "No bread here."

And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!

What do you call a deaf animal?

Anything, it can't hear you.

You just made a Mist-ake.

Have you ever walked through Stephen Hawking's house? No?

Well..... neither has he.

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?

Hold its nose.

Worst joke ever.

What do you call an animal that smells?

A smelly-phant.

That joke is really not funny.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

Two of the worst jokes ever.

What do you call a crying dick?

I call it a crying dick.

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

What do you call a prehistoric crow? Crow-Magnon.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!