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Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.

Son: No way, you can’t see him though.

Mom: God!

Son: What?

Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).

Son: Also because I’m John Cena.

Mom: Where, where’d ya go?

John Cena: Hey, Mom.

Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.

When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?

European.

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...

What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

  • 5

    • And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

    But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

    When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...

    My friend said, "Dude, if you don't put your desk in line with the column, you're gay." So he did it, and I said, "Well, I guess now he's straight." ;D

    A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

    A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

    Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.

    He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

    Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

    Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

    Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

    Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

    Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

    Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

    What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?

    A popsinger.