You jokes
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
What do you call an orphan taking a family photo? A selfie.
The best part of you ran down your mother's leg... Einstein got ready to climax while doing math but realized you can't cumtilyain cumtilion. It's after sucktillion fucktillion.
Clowns were doing an egg contest, and one clown had their egg crack, and another clown said, "The yoke's on you!"
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
Fence 1 was thinking and Fence 2 said, "Are you still on the fence about running away?"
Fence 1 said, "Yeah, I was thinking of running on the RAILROAD."
What do you call a bunch of biracial, retarded kids? The Special Olympics.
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.
When you're going to Titanic: It's the best ship in the world.
When you know it's sinking: It's the poor ship!
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
What do you say when you sister's annoying you?
Go oasis (go away sis)!
I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.
You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
you flip it over.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
Just to an orphan.
Orphan: You're stupid.
You: You're so ugly, it's the reason your parents are dead.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
Iron Man: Where are you from?
Thor: Asgard.
Iron Man: Do you mean ass guard?