Yesterday jokes

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life.

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

A Chinese guy said to his friend: "I saw you fucking your donkey yesterday."

His friend: "No, that's impossible, it's too hot inside."

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

I got detention yesterday because I called the group of emo kids the suicide squad.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Say this when you answer a spam call...

"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".

I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.

I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.

I wrote a song about a tortilla yesterday, but it’s actually more of a rap.

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"