Work jokes

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today, and I have to...

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?

A: Because they're retired!

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

I had some puns about construction, but I'm still working on them.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!

If I worked for Edexcel, I'd give Caroline Flack an A* for her physics experiment.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

Your grandmother died because she fell on the highest floor of the hotel. Your grandfather died because he got shot while saving your mother. If he didn't save your mother, you wouldn't be here.

You grew up in a world full of viruses. You wanted the virus to be gone. There's only one way, but you have to know it. I can't tell it for you.

Your mother got Covid-19. You prayed and prayed all night, hoping that she would be okay. The next day, the doctors went to your house without your mother. You asked, "Where is my mother?!" The doctors said, "Your mother is gone, so we came here to tell you." The doctors left. Another hour, you were thinking while crying, "Why was my prayer not working? Lord, why'd you let me down?"

You searched on Google "How to bring back the dead." The Google workers declined it. Your father left you because he loved another girl. Your brothers are still with you, but what if they get the virus? Who will be with you?

Don't forget Jesus is still there for you. Don't give up, keep going, and you will succeed soon. You will find your own family and beat the coronavirus.

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

Did you know toilets, while you're at work, eat your toilet paper?

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.