Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)
Just because you have a career in the North doesn't mean you are North Korean.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
Mom, why was I adopted?
Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!
Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!
one day i was working at the bank, doing my job then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over, then i told her that her balance is un-balanced
So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."
I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
"Your mom gay.exe" has started working.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
Kid: Hey, Dad.
Dad: You're an hour late.
Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.
Dad: By yourself?
Kid: No.
Dad: A boy?
Kid: I was with the teacher.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Do u want to hear a joke about a construction? Sorry still working on it!
There was once a dark room with a dark light and a terrible electrician.
His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.
His boss told him: "You suck."
And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.
His boss told him: "You suck for life!"
XD
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
