Women jokes

Why do girls scratch their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have another pair of balls.

Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...

What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.

I like my women like I like my diving pool:

Deep and wet.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

Women, you're a marshmallow because you're white, squashy, and everyone sticks their stick inside you.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

I kiss both.

Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?

They don’t deserve rights!

There is only one reason why I find women useful.

That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

What shoe shop would be a lesbian's best friend, decimen?

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

How does Hellen Keller meet men?

She goes on blind dates.

What do feminists and tampons have in common?

They're both stuck-up cunts.

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.