Wife

Wife jokes

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Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”

Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”

Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?

Because of his short cummings.

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    • My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

    A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

    My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

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    • I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

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    • I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

    Onions was a good dog.

    What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

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    • Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

    He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

    "Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

    Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

    Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?

    She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.

    When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

    My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

    I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

    A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

    An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

    "I will see her in one week!"

    A week later, he died.

    A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

    "Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

    "We're going with Trevor."

    "Ok, what if it's a girl?"

    "Then we'll have an abortion."

    I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

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