Wife

Wife jokes

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My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

  • 1

    • I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

  • 3

    • I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

    Onions was a good dog.

    What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

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    • Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

    He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

    "Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

    Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

    Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?

    She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.

    When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

    My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

    I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

    A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

    An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

    "I will see her in one week!"

    A week later, he died.

    A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

    "Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

    "We're going with Trevor."

    "Ok, what if it's a girl?"

    "Then we'll have an abortion."

    I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

  • 5

    • The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

    The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

    "Yellow and far apart."

    Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

    My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."