Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
Why were Helen Keller's hands crippled?
From reading stop signs at fifty miles per hour.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
Why shouldn’t you pick on a midget with learning difficulties?
... Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.
Why was the asian late to class?
His 1 minute rice took 2 minutes to cook.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971, and the Libertarian Party has lost every presidential election since 1972, and according to the Libertarian Party the Libertarian Party is the only political party in the United States that is the party of principle. If the Libertarian Party is the party of principle then why hasn't the Libertarian Party won a presidential election since 1972?
Because it is politically motivated.
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was disabled.
Why are feminist rape claims never taken seriously? Nobody wants to rape fat, hairy gorillas.
I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
Why is Russia invading Ukraine?
«Мы хотим вернуть Советский Союз!»
Why is America so bad at chess?
They lost both of their towers.
Why can't two Asians make a white kid?
Two wrongs don't make a white.
Why is it ok to smack an orphan?
What are they going to do? Tell their parents!
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
