Whos jokes
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?
A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.
Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."
Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.
Who is the only person time waits for? Nun.
Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?
It's OK, he didn't either!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lion 🦁.
Lion who?
Lion again, aren't you?
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?
Dumb.
Knock knock. Who's there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can't reach the doorbell knocking at your door.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.