You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?
If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
Two wind turbines were standing on a hill.
One asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"
The other one says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.
I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Whereโs The beef?"
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, โWhere is the biggest river in the world?โ
โUnder my bench,โ he replies.
Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?
Harlem, New York.
Where do otters come from? Otter space.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
