Wheres

Wheres jokes

Emo

  • I was watching The Conjuring with an emo person. She said she likes the part where the girl was hanging. I said, "Why? Because you wish it were you?"

    Floor

  • A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

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  • Flight

  • I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.

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  • Life

  • Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

    Friend: What kind?

    Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

    Friend: That's not funny..

    Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

    Friend: I'm calling your mom.

    Me: She knows.

    Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

    Me: She's supposed to help?

    Friend: Have you told your dad?

    Me: I will when he comes back.

    Friend: Where is he?

    Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

    Friend: ....

    Me: What?

    Friend: Why?

    Me: Why what?

    Friend: Why would you joke like that?

    Me: I was joking..

    Friend: I know.

    Me: Oh. I didn't know.

    Friend:...

    Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

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  • Leprechaun

  • So, a guy is taking a piss in a public bathroom. He looks over and sees a short guy with a very large green dick, who looks up at him and says, “Is there a problem, boyoh?”

    “I’m sorry, it’s just that thing is huge, and why the hell is it green?!” The man replies, “I’m a leprechaun.”

    “Really?” says the man.

    “That’s right. And I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me stick it in your pooper.”

    “Anything I want?! Three of them?” replies the man.

    “Anything in your wildest dreams, boyoh, but you have to let me finish.”

    The man bends over, and the leprechaun puts it in. Thrusting back and forth, he asks for the man’s first wish.

    “I want a giant yacht!”

    “Aye,” says the leprechaun. “It’s pulling into your own private harbor now.”

    “For my second wish, I want a billion dollars,” the man says, beginning to sweat.

    “Aye, it’s stacked inside the yacht waiting for you,” the leprechaun replies.

    “Okay,” the man groans in pain. “For my final wish, I want this yacht to be full of beautiful women.”

    “You betcha, boyoh,” says the leprechaun. “The girls are there waiting for you nooWWW,” as he lets out a moan of pleasure.

    The man, exhausted and sore, says, “That was rough, but worth it for those wishes. Where do I go?”

    The little man with the giant green dick, pulling up his pants, his accent now gone says: “Aren’t you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?”

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  • Food

  • "Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

    "He died."

    "Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

    (After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

    Mom

  • My mom told me to get a job, so I did.

    One day my mom saw me, I had money. My mom asked me where did you get that money? My mom asked me where did you get that money. I said I got a job in the neighborhood. My mom asked me what do you do, so I said when you take showers I secretly open the door, and I let the guys come and see you one by one, and I get paid for it.

    My mom said you're growing up so fast, & I said back to my mom that is what the guys say when they see you in the shower.

    Orphanage

  • A guy sees a kid crying, and the guy walks up to the kid and asks, "Where are your parents?"

    God, I love working at an orphanage!