When jokes
What was Beethoven called when he only ate beef?
Beefthoven!
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
Dark Jokes R Like Puppies:
Once they come out they are trash, but once it starts to get older, that’s when it’s noticed, but when it gets too old, you either proclaim it dead or never talk about it.
(I would never do that though I love puppies)
The only problem being short and gay is that whenever I try to tell people I'm top in my relationship, they don't believe me because I'm shorter than the person I'm dating, like, WTF?
Three friends were stuck in the desert. They were struggling and trying to find food when they found a magical lamp. They rubbed it and out came a genie, and the genie says, "Each of you friends get to have one wish." So the first friend said, "I wish to go home," same as the second one. The third friend said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were with me!"
When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.
We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"
The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.
The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."
Conservatives when they hear about “liberal arts:” 👊😡
Liberals when they find out about forest conservation: 😩👐
Progressives when they see a reaction video: 🤬
Reactionaries when a Progressive ad comes on (Flo is annoying): 😱
Anticoms realizing they are a part of a “community:” *seizure*
Anticaps when they have to Capitalize Their Words: 😤
Anti-monarchists when they pass a Burger King: 🫨
Antisocs when they are told to “socialize:” 🫠
Corporatists when they see a corpse: 🤤
Antifash when they spot a fashion show: 🤮
Classical liberals when the TV shows Family Feud: 😑🔫
Extremists when they are told to shoot “dead center” (they have bad aim): 😠🖕
What happened when Obama ran for president?
The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
Rape is so outdated, but when you pay them money, it is a popular date!
Yo mama so dumb when the weather said "it's chili outside," she went inside a goal, small and a bowl.
What happens when you say, "Hey Siri?"
Stephen Hawking answers.
What does the cannibal say when he jumps into the pool?
CANNONBALL! P.S. I made this myself.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Yo mama so tall!!! When she wakes up from her bed, she stands up and finds NASA beside her face, and she thinks it's a fly!!!
Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.
This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.