When jokes
How did Jesus kill himself?
He fell from his bike.
How many times did he die?
Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.
Joe mama's so hairy when she went to the movie theater, the people thought she was Chewbacca!
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
What do you expect when you get out of a bar?
Your mom naked LOLOLOLOL.
I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.
And then I noticed that my cat was missing.
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Q. Who do you call when a baby with anencephaly is born? A. The funeral home.
Yo mama so fat when she walks the earth talks!
LMAO
What do you call it when the Edmonton Oilers play against the Nashville Predators? A Diddy Bowl.
What do you get when you light Stephen Hawking on fire? A fried PC.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.
Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?
So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.