When jokes
When you're born on 4/20/69...
The dear God created the man.
Then he created woman.
When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."
John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"
Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"
John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."
What was OceanGate's biggest regret?
Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.
Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.
What makes you guys high?
I get high when I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
Your hairline is so far back that when your teacher puts you in the front of the class, your hairline is quite in the back.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a photo of himself?
A family photo.
Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!
What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?
The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"
Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"
Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.
This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)
You can't see me, but when I smile, you can.
Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.
(Just a joke, she's probably kind.)
Dylan is so stinking when he goes for a poo poo! 😭🤣🤣
Why did the T-Rex not clap when you won a prize?
Because it's dead.
I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.