When jokes
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.
Why can't Stephen Hawking go metal detecting?
Because when it beeps, it's him!
So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.
When Chuck Norris was asked, "Do you know the way?" he replied, "I am the way!"
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."
What is a box called when a cough dies in it?
A coffin.
Why was 4 not impressed when 5 won a prize for 6?
Because 511472.
What happens when you see corn looking at you in your window?
A corn stalk!
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?
A can o' bull.
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?
Can't elope.
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.
He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.
When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.
It happened too fast, he watched the very last.
Next he died, eaten all fried.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"