When jokes
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when I put my meat in it.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁
When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?
Bullying.
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.