When jokes
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing boeing boeing.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
What do dogs do when they lose their tail?
They go to the retail store.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.