When jokes
One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?
"Hello, ladies!"
Yo mama so fat...
...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.
What did Michael Jackson say when dinner was ready? Ea-ea-eat.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
What does Michael Jackson say when it gets hot?
He-he-eat!
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.