Whats jokes

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"

And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."

And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"

And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."

A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

What do you call a fish with two knees?

I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!

Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.

Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.

Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!

Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

What is a failed abortion? Annabelle.

What would you call four Mexicans drowning in a lake?

*Answer: Quatro Cinco*

What time do you think dogs are not happy?

Bulldogs.

What does BLM stand for?

Black Lust Matters.

What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.

What do you call the longest reigning monarch?

The queen? No, she dead.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."