Whats jokes

What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.

What's the square root of 2001?

9/11

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?

A very pissed duck.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

What’s the difference between a Black dad and a Pizza?

One can feed a family.

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: What are the chances?

Patient: Of what?

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

What is a deaf person's favorite game?

Charades.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know what a home looks like.

What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?

Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

Little boys turn them on.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

What do black parents and elevators have in common?

Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.