Whats jokes
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
Memes
Hhhhmmmmmm?
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
What's an orphan's high school nickname? "Lone Stone."
You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.
What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!
What do apples and depressed kids have in common?
They both hang on trees.
What do you call a vegan slut?
A garden ho!
What is red and goes 200 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
What's the difference between apples and orphans?
An apple gets picked.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
What do you call an emo committing suicide while filming it?
America's Funniest Home Videos.
What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.
What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?
A family photo.
What is an orphan's favorite quote in Star Wars?
"I am your father."