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What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

On the school bus, the pricks are on the inside, but on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

What is something in common with gay people and ambulance trucks?

They both take it out the back and go "woo woo!"

Q: What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

A: One of them gets picked.

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

What's the difference between a watermelon and an orphan?

One you cut into 2 with a knife.

And the watermelon you cut into pieces.