Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
What did the orphan get for Christmas?
Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Your mama so fat the flash died halfway running around her.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. π€£π€£π€£
What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking, JK Rowling.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Why couldn't the orphan watch Spiderman? He couldn't find his way home.
I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"
I would kiss your lips, but your legs are blocking the way.
If you know, you know. ππ
How did your dad come back with the milk? The Milky Way.
Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.
If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..
I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.
Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" π€£ππ€£ππππ
The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.
My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
