Watch jokes
I was watching T-Series and I thought to myself, "Man, this sucks!" My sister watches James Charles, and he always says, "That's T-Series." So is it him? SUB TO PEWDIEPIE! UNSUB TO T-SERIES! THEY SUCK!
When your friends [are] talking about sports:
Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁
Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱
Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀
Lemme just say one thing:
Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
What type of cartoon do spiders like to watch the most?
Web Cartoons!
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average?" Policeman: "About a gallon."
5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!" I responded, "Inflation."
10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Why is Daisy afraid of candles?
Watch my videos and find out!!! 🤸♀️🕯📷💰😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
Jack opened his drying eyes, awoken by a piercing ray of sunlight shining through crooked blinds. A gentle smell wafted in from the corner of what his temporarily blinded eyes knew to be a dilapidated kitchen. It was the one good thing about his life, that smell. He closed his eyes once more and awaited his call.
“Jacky, breakfast time!” beckoned that oh-so-familiar girlish voice. “Oh, silly me, the handcuffs!”
The same footsteps he always heard, the only ones, tapped along the tile floor as each one of Jack’s limbs were freed from the cold metal that imprisoned them. He’d learned not to resist it, and the acceptance was blissful.
Jack slowly dragged himself to the kitchen table, still adjusting his eyes to the light. Moments later, a bowl was slid over to him by a hand he’d become all too familiar with. Oatmeal with little bits of dried apple mixed in. Even after four years, he still liked it.
“Thank you, Randy,” Jack muttered.
“Jill,” said the girl’s voice across from him. The girl’s voice vanished.
“You call me Randy when I’m having my way with you, boy. Understood?” said the balding, sweat-stained man from whom Jill’s voice came.
“Yes, sir.”
“Now hurry up and eat your food. I want to have some more fun before you expire.”
Jack ate obediently, but deep down he grew concerned. Expired? What could Randy mean by…expired?
He thought back to the day everything went wrong. The day he was deceived. His 14th birthday.
Four years…already? Was Jack really about to be an adult? Then expired means…
Jack stood up quickly, hitting his knees on the table with a thud.
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Which one?”
“The one you don’t like to watch,” Jack replied. Randy waved him away dismissively.
Jack paced around the small shack searching for the bathroom door. He passed the heavily locked front door, each lock a memento of his past escape attempts. Finally, he entered the bathroom. No lock, he had to be fast.
Jack searched desperately around the room for anything he could use. If this was his last round before Randy was through with him, it might be his only chance to escape. He opened drawers, scrounged through cupboards, scoured every inch of the floor, but found a small mirror.
“Almost done, Jacky?” called the voice of Jill. “Don’t keep daddy waiting.” grumbled Randy.
Startled, Jack lost his grip on the mirror. Jack froze the second it fell to the floor and shattered.
“Shit…shit!” he whispered sharply, trying to brush the mess away. In doing so, he found a shard large enough to be held. “This’ll have to do…”
Jack slid the shard in his pocket and returned to the living room he had woken up in. The same old deflated mattress was still there, iron bars and all. Randy lay sprawled across it, a pink lace bra covering his hairy chest, matching panties withholding his dense, greasy bush. His waist had grown so fat they hardly fit, until…
SNAP!
The panties seemed to vanish as the waistband broke, springing his embarrassing, already erect penis from side to side.
“Oopsies,” he cooed.
Jack took off his clothes, as was the ritual, and laid them at the foot of the mattress. His sore knees pressed into the stained fabric while he inched closer to Randy’s pulsating cock. Licking his lips, Jack bent down and took the member into his mouth. Randy groaned with pleasure as Jack’s tongue swirled around his tip, diving into the lining of his foreskin to gather what curds of smegma were present. Jack’s nausea at this had vanished long ago, he was merely going through the motions before enacting his plan.
As he throated Randy’s dick over and over again, the man who had trapped Jack for so long began to thrust upward into his mouth, lightly scratching his face with the overgrown pubes that lined the base of his cock. Jack wiggled his tongue in Randy’s urethra, just how he liked it. Anything to get this over with quicker.
“Ungh, fuck…don’t stop Jack, you dirty little whore…I’m so close,” Randy moaned.
Jack sucked harder and harder, faster and faster, all while his hand slowly inched toward the makeshift blade in his pants behind him. With the weapon in hand, Jack gave it everything he had.
“MMMPH FUCK YES, CMON BABY GIVE IT TO ME! OH JACK, OH, OH FUCK, I’M G-GONNA CUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” screamed Randy, closing his eyes tightly.
He threw his head back and Jack took his chance. With one fell swoop of the glass shard, he sliced Randy’s dick clean off, spitting the half of it still in his mouth out. Jack lunged at the injured Randy, glass still in hand.
“AAARRGGHHHHHH, FUCK! HAAH…FUCK!” Randy cried, semen oozing out of his bloody stump of a penis. He opened his eyes just as Jack thrust the blade straight into his right one, then his left. Left weak from the orgasm, Randy could hardly fight back.
(To be continued in comments)
For pedophiles, watching teen porn must be like watching mature porn.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
Glad to present you a wood clock.
https://olegon.ru/clock/
Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!
Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?
What do you call a rocky formation covered in meat?
Meatcanyon.
(Meatcanyon is actually a YT that has like 1M subs so watch some of his content if you want to, lol!)
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."
This kid yelled "Jenga" when we were watching a 9/11 documentary.
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class and I said, "Man, they are really bad at Jenga!"
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class.
I started playing the Angry Birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like a bomb, and I landed on the ground.