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I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

So, a guy walks into a gas station and walks to the person working and says, "Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?" So she gets him one, and then he says, "No, I want a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch!"

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

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    • Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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    • Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.

    There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.

    The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”

    So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.

    The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.

    The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.

    The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.

    The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.

    While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”

    Hate me all you want, but I rather love bullying in all fairness. I love to watch all the loner kids being abused while simultaneously making a prediction for when which one of them will finally snap and shoot up the school.

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    • Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

    Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

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    • Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

    A: They tend to crash and burn.

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    • Why did the researchers want all the shore birds high on marijuana?

    They wanted to leave no tern unstoned.

    Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.